


As light

by ca_te



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-07
Updated: 2010-09-07
Packaged: 2017-10-11 13:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written on 23 January 2010. Writeen from Lavi's POV.</p>
    </blockquote>





	As light

**Author's Note:**

> Written on 23 January 2010. Writeen from Lavi's POV.

Lavi likes Kanda's hands. His fingers are callous, because of the sword. His touches are coarse and deep. They leave Lavi's skin tingling. He would have never thought it possible, to be touched by Kanda. That silent, pale mirage that Kanda is, closed up in the ivory tower of his unshared thoughts and memories.

Lavi sighs, leaning against the cold glass of his room's window. It has been months and yet he can't push out of his mind the memory of Kanda's expression as he saw Alma again. Yes, there are times when he curses having trained to be a bookman, not having the possibility to fool his brain, to fool his memory.

He bites his lover lip. Kanda had to destroy Alma again, as he had done that first time, and from that day he had disappeared, he had run away from Lavi's touches, from Lavi's smiles.

The glass is cold against his neck. He tries to read for the umpteenth time the same line. It seems as if the printed letters are playing hide and seek with his mind. He closes the book and gets up, his head filled to the brim with black hair and blue eyes. This ain't no good, Lavi knows it, and his body seems to know it too. Sometimes it feels as if he is going to explode.

He shakes his head and exits the room.

The corridors are silent as he walks towards Allen's room. He can't exactly point out the moment in which he has started to look out for Allen when the distance between himself and Kanda grows too much, so much that it hurts, as if someone is tagging at his heart, trying to pull it out.

And Allen has always been there, to let him in, to let him feel safe, without asking something he knew he couldn't have in return.

The stone of the floor is hard under Lavi's feet, he turns a corner. The corridor is filled with the sun light pouring inside from the windows. The floor is warmer under his bare feet. It makes him think of Allen's right hand, and stomach and hair. Everything in him seems so warm, so different from the cold lurking in Kanda's eyes. And yet…and yet if wanting Kanda means wanting the cold, then Lavi is willing to freeze to death.

But Allen's warmth is like a lifebelt which has been thrown at him, and when immersed in the cold water is too much, he just can't avoid to reach for it.

He knows all to well that is not something he should do, to mix so much the feelings he shouldn't have to start with. He knows that it means using, yes using, Allen, but after all the people he has met, after all the things he has lived on his skin he feels like he can't say no to some comfort, some kindness. To him! A person whom the others should not even know, meant as he is to be invisible on the billiard table of life and history.

He shakes his head and slows down his pace as something gets his attention. His heart summersaults as he sees the black silhouette leaning near the window in front of Allen's door.

The winter sun splashes over the black of his hair, Lavi thinks that it is as bright as a gem.

He stops and Kanda turns, eyes that seem ice. The red-head darts a look at Allen's door, he doesn't see as Kanda bites his lower lip.

The Japanese boy's voice is clear and cutting edge.

"Did you really think that you could hide that from me?"

Lavi's blood freezes in his veins

"I…"

Kanda's paces are lightly over the pavement, Lavi can't avoid to be mesmerized by the grace of his movements. But Kanda's hand is strong as he grips his shirt.

"Don't! Don't lie again!"

Lavi lets Kanda drag him down the corridor, he wonders if Allen was waiting for him. He bites his lower lip.

 

It's the first time that Lavi sees Kanda's room. Yuu's smell is all around the place and Lavi shivers lightly. Then the sound of the door being closed brings him back to reality.

"Yuu, I…"

"Don't call me Yuu, you freaking idiot! I don't want you to say my name as you say Allen's!"

And Lavi knows that Kanda is right, 'cause every time he has moaned Allen's name he has wanted to bite his lips so hard to draw out blood and he has always known, since the beginning, that he should have waited, just…just sometimes it was too painful to receive only glares and yells, not to be able to touch or kiss Yuu even though they were supposed to be together.

Lavi knows all of this, his brain really can't leave him in peace, and he hates it so much sometimes, so he remains silent.

"What? You are so coward that you can't even defend yourself?"

Kanda's words are like swords, worst that Mugen, thousands time worst. Lavi swallows and walks towards Yuu, he squeezes his eyes shut as he hugs the Japanese exorcist.

He feels Kanda's body going stiff, but he doesn't let go, he can't, and he hopes that his arms, his heart beating against Yuu's chest can express what he can't put into words.

Yuu grits his teeth, trying to hold on and to gather enough strength to push Lavi away, but what comes out its just words, and his voice is low.

"Why…Why, you idiot!"

And Lavi wants to explain, but probably Yuu has never felt what he is feeling right now. He grips the front of Kanda's shirt, the fabric is coarse under his skin.

"I…just couldn't have you…"

Lavi's heartbeat rises and falls as sea waves when he feels Yuu's arms around him, finally answering to his silent hug.

"Idiot! You could have come looking for me."

And Lavi wants to say that keeping on reaching out for someone else maybe painful, that sometimes he needs Yuu to look for him, so he just presses his face harder against Yuu's chest.

Kanda feels his heartbeat starting to speed up, but he doesn't want to give in, Lavi should have waited, should have waited for him.

And the words they cannot say remain there, hung up in the air. Lavi moves backwards, he is scared to look at Kanda but fear doesn't make any sense.

"I…it was painful to go after you, when you were so far."

The red-head swallows as the corner of Yuu's mouth twitches.

"And do you think it was easy for me? To lose Alma all over again, to know you were away with that freaking moyashi!"

Lavi has thought to know, has thought to know human beings, to understand the basic of emotions he isn't supposed to feel, but he realizes that it is't like that, it isn't like that at all. Maybe Bookman is right, maybe he isn't supposed to be among people, to love them, 'cause he just is an outsider. The fact that he acted on instinct going to look for Allen as if it didn't mean anything, the fact that he didn't expect to hear pain behind Kanda's words are a proof of that.

He balls his hands and turns, just wanting to leave that room.

But then…then Kanda's hand iss around his wrist.

"Don't you think I'm letting you go this time!"

Kanda's arms are strong around him, and his lips soft but firm over his own.

And what is spinning in Lavi's head are questions, why and how, and as he pushes them aside he knows, he knows that he can never be able to understand Kanda, the way his mind and heart worked, so he focuses on the only thing he knows perfectly about the Japanese boy. His lips, and moans, and skin and hands.

The words which were hanging in the air slowly disappear, swallowed by the whiteness of Kanda's skin, within his moans. They will probably come back but it doesn't matter to Lavi, as he sinks deeper inside the bliss that Kanda is.

 

Yuu's breath is light and soft on Lavi's neck as he sleeps. Lavi keeps his eye open, staring at the ceiling. He wants to caress Kanda's hair, but he is afraid to wake him up. His hand stops in the air and he sighs.

"Hurry up and do it!"

Lavi gulps.

"What?"

"Touch me if you want to, idiot!"

Lavi shyly starts to caress Kanda's hair, they are silky and soft.

"Keep caressing me, and I'll remain with you."

Lavi feels his cheeks heating up.

"I…I'm sorry, Yuu. Really the only one I want to caress is you and…"

"Shut up, I want to rest now!"

In the afternoon light pouring through the window Lavi smiles, 'cause it is true that he doesn't know anything about loving people, and about Yuu, but he can learn.


End file.
